Throughout the five short years of motherhood I have experienced so far, I have realized there are details mothers before me left out when they gushed about the joys of being a mom. When I announced I was pregnant with my first, so many women told me how fantastic motherhood would be. “Oh, these will be the best days of your life!” and “It’s the most amazing feeling in the world to be a mom!” were some of the most common responses I heard. Were they right? YES! Absolutely. Being a mom is truly incredible. I wouldn’t change it for anything. But the lovely women who shared their optimistic thoughts about motherhood conveniently FORGOT to tell me about the other side of momming. Ya know… The less magical, more exhausting, and downright nasty parts of being a mom. Don’t worry, though; I got yo’ back… I am here to tell you 10 truths about what having children is really like. 😈 Muahaha, brace yourself.
- Steps on steps on steps!
I used to struggle to get 10,000 steps a day. Now that I have three kids, I think my daily average is like, 16,000. And I don’t even want it to be. I’m not like, “C’mon kids! Let’s go walk around so we can get more steps!” It’s more like, “OMG Jude, whyyyyy are you trying to kill me?!” 🥵 No one tells you that you will be on your feet all day, every day, and if you ever sit down, something bad will happen that you need to tend to. So stay standing. Don’t ever, ever sit. That’s legitimately my first piece of unsolicited advice for any new parent. DON’T SIT DOWN unless you want bad things to happen. And get comfy shoes because you gonna be steppin’. 👟
- Sing it with me! 🎵
Here comes the firetruck, driving down the street. Here comes the firetruck, beep beep beep! Here comes the firetruck; look at it go! Here comes the firetruck; wave hello! Ooh-wee-ooh, ooh-wee-ooh, ooh-wee-ohh-wee-ohh-wee-ohh! 🚒
Ahh, Super Simple Songs. This specific song is stuck in my head more than I am willing to admit. I love this stupid song. And I hate that I love this stupid song. When you enter parenthood, no one tells you that you will know every single children’s song that exists, and you will know them so well that you will sing along whenever you hear them. Even if you don’t like them. No one tells you that when you get in the car to go on vacation (and by vacation, I mean when you go to the grocery store by yourself) that kids’ songs will automatically turn on… and you might not turn them off right away because you’re so used to them that it just feels right. It’s cool, though… one day, I’ll have all the time in the world to learn what music other adults like to listen to.
- MAAA, the meatloaf!
Someone is always, always, ALWAYS calling your name (Oh, but not like, your real name. No, no one calls you your real name anymore. You are ‘Mom.’). Sometimes my kids call for me even when they don’t need anything! Like, what, are you just making sure I’m still your bitch??? “Mom!!! Mama!!! MAAAAA!!!!!!” One of my kids sounds exactly like Will Ferrell in Wedding Crashers when he’s demanding his mom bring him meatloaf. “MAAAAAAAAAAA, the meatloaf!” Not sure which number is higher – my daily step count or the number of times my kids shout for me. Probably a tight race. Just know that being a mom means you are constantly being summoned.
- I love you, but don’t touch me.
There is something you really need to know about being a mom. You will not always want to snuggle, and you will not always want to be touched. You may not always want to hear sweet little voices, especially when they don’t sound so sweet. You may not always want to smell dirty diapers or discover the scent of an old rotting milk sippy cup that a kid left in your super cool minivan, but you will. You will do all of these things. And it will send you and your five senses over the freakin’ edge. Right. Over. It. Sensory overload is a real thing. 😵 Moms truly get too much input. Sometimes I wish I had a switch to turn off my senses so I could sit in numb, silent darkness for just a few minutes. But when I say that out loud, I think it makes me sound like a terrible human. I’m not a terrible human; I just have sensory overload!
Touch – someone is always touching you. Sometimes my son plays with my belly fat to soothe himself. I’m not kidding.
Sound – screaming, crying, all while another kid is telling you stories, “MAAAA!,” tv on volume 80, dogs playing, timers going off, the dishwasher, etc. 🙉
Smell – so many smells. Most of them are not good.
Sight – the messy house is a major trigger. It doesn’t ever get better, and you don’t get used to it. Look away. 🙈
Taste – I don’t know how taste fits in, but I’m sure it does. And it’s probably not good.
It’s all coming at you 24/7; at some point, it’s just not fair that you can’t crawl into a deep, dark cave… alone. But, gosh, I love those gross little sensory overloaders.
- What’s my name again?
I used to do stuff. I had hobbies; I went to events; I was a teacher. I went out to eat and went to $5 Tuesdays at the movie theater almost every week. It was super cool. No one told me that the Holly/Mrs. Clark/movie-goer before kids would practically be kidnapped. And the kidnapper just so happens to be my very own children!
My doctor once had me fill out a questionnaire that asked what my hobbies were, and I felt too awkward writing “playing with Magnatiles,” so I think I just left it blank. 😬 I couldn’t think of a single hobby that I have because ain’t nobody got time for that. Anyway, all I’m trying to say is no one ever tells you that you lose your identity a little bit as a mom. Is it worth it? YES!! Is it weird not to even know your real name some days?! YEP!
- L A U N D R Y
No one told me that I would become a full-time launderer when I had kids. And I don’t mean a money launderer – at least I’d be rollin’ in some cash money then. I’m just a plain old, poor launderer, like the kind in the laundry room. And it will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever end. 😫 I feel tired.
- Save water, don’t shower. Ever. Because you’re a mom and you don’t ever get time to do things like that.
I am a “shower every morning” kind of person. I also enjoy a good night shower, but morning showers are my jam. I feel off if I don’t get my shower in right away before my day starts. But guess what? I don’t usually get to shower right away when I wake up these days. So here is another truth bomb – no matter how early you wake up, your sneaky little children will have spidey senses that alert them when you are about to step into the shower, and they will not allow it. One of them will wake up screaming bloody murder and wake all the others, or maybe one of them will puke or all of a sudden spike a 103 fever and need immediate comforting. Things will get weird when you get one foot into that tub. It’s just easier to be a “not showered kind of person” sometimes. It’s fine… one day, somewhere in the very distant future, I will be able to shower whenever I want!
- You won’t text anyone back on time ever again.
I used to be obsessive about making sure I texted people back right away. I didn’t want to be rude, ya know? I’d respond in under five minutes, no problem. These days, it is a miracle if I text people back. Like, ever. Something always comes up as soon as I open a text message. A fight over a toy, a toddler tripping over his own feet and getting a bloody nose from hitting the floor (true story), a spilled bowl of dog food… and followed by the bowl of dog water, a toddler playing in the toilet, I could go on and on. After dealing with whatever super fun ordeal comes up, I completely forget that I opened a text. Just like that, the unread notification disappears, and poof, it’s like no one ever texted.
- You will never finish a conversation ever again.
Samesies as above 👆. Something always comes up as soon as you begin chatting with literally anyone. No conversation will have closure. You will never feel like you’ve said what you needed to say. Your beautiful children will interrupt right before you get to the –
Sorry, my kid needed a snack; what was I saying?
- The. House. Will. Be. A. Disaster.
Please, for the love of God, do not believe the super adorbs Instagram moms who have sparkling-clean homes, babies dressed in fancy baby-sized outfits, and their hair and makeup on point. They are freaks of nature…. or they are LIARS. You will not ever have a clean house again. Say goodbye to the peace your clean kitchen brings you… She gone. Bid farewell to a bedroom that doesn’t have laundry covering every square inch of floor space… doesn’t exist anymore. Having children means you live in an unorganized, fingerprinted, “we can’t have nice things” type of home.
There are so many more things that I feel like I need to discuss. I kind of can’t stop listing all of the things those bold-faced liars didn’t tell me when they only mentioned the blissful parts of motherhood. But I need to stop here because my daughter won’t stop calling my name and tapping my shoulder, and I feel a sensory overload coming on so… In conclusion, I love my children so stinkin’ much. I also love being a mom more than I could have imagined. I have dedicated my entire life to my kids and have absolutely no regrets. But just because I would choose it over and over again doesn’t mean I don’t want to just vent about it every once in a while…. And warn others. I definitely need to warn others. ⚠️ 🧒
The list above is just the tiniest picture of what moms deal with on the daily because they love their kids more than even makes sense. It’s not meant to list why being a mom is horrible, because it’s definitely not! But, damn, if you are a mom, you are amazing. If you know a mom, go tell her she is amazing. (But don’t text her because she probably won’t get to read it for the next few years.)